9 Jul 2021
The thing about day dreams is that they change and develop over time. Nasty little devils daydreams.
One day you might be dreaming about a pink scooter with streamers - like the one the little girl next door has. And then in the blink of an eye it's a red mini cooper. I don't have either of those things, by the way, but it is the same for writing.
When I first day dreamed of being a writer I simply wanted to write a book. Something I had dreamed of all my life but never thought I was good enough. Writers don't come from council estates and working class backgrounds. I didn't even know the trenches existed. Wow was I in for a big surprise.
Agents? Query Letters? Submissions? It was all a new lanuage and I was completely out of of my depth. When my book was finished - my dream changed - I would learn all I could and an agent would love my book and want to represent me. But I knew deep down it wouldn't be easy, I had read so many brilliant books, so much better than mine, that hadn't made it. I knew the statistics. And I knew my chances were pretty thin. After all, I wasn't even a real writer.
Those trenches were hard. I remember telling my husband I was drowning in a puddle of despair and to get me some ice cream and chocolate. He laughed and said "You are being stupid, it has only been four weeks since you started querying" I couldn't believe it - it had felt like four months and I had to check the dates of my emails to prove I wasn't being gaslighted! I think only those in the trenches can understand that stretching of time. Where minutes feel like hours and days feel like weeks and still there is silence. I had no room to dream of anything else but an email to prove my book was worthy. That's all I wanted.
I was lucky, the full requests came in and a brilliant agent did love my book. I was ecstatic for about ten minutes. My agent now had to get a publisher to love it. Enter the next day dream - a publisher was going to adore my book and offer a contract. It would be battled out at auction and result in a six figure number. I would be asked onto the Graham Norton show and chat with all the celebrities. Well not quite , but a deal did come through and I am truly happy and grateful. It is true, that it is a dream come true. But.
The day dreams do not stop. Now I dream of a beautiful book cover, of people liking my book, of five star reviews and of Nicole Kidman phoning me up because she wants to star in the movie version.
Most of all I day dream of not being a failure. Nasty little devil day dreams.